i woke up at 3pm today

URGH.

i wonder if it’s futile, wishing and looking for love to come one day. I want to be so beautiful to my man that i will be enough for him. so that i don’t have to suffer agonizing over others. apparently i’m a hurt little lamb who pretends to be okay. did u know that’s why i hated all of them? because they remind me of hurt. that long deep scar that never healed. 

because to me, love is not having to compete…

Funny Daddy Moment

There was a knock and a slight crash on my bedroom door – the sound it makes as someone outside tries to open it when it’s locked. As it is 1.30am, I knew only one person would be doing that, thus I jumped out of my chair and opened it. Daddy looked the way he looks past midnight, slightly dazed and grumpy (then again, he looks grumpy all the time!) and he muttered something about checking if I’m home.

So, as per usual, I go up to him for a hug. He smiles and returns my hug. Both of us move in unison and simultaneously give each other’s butt a couple of smacks. And together, laugh.

Protected: need to go out soon

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

little note

A broken nail is irritating.

And I have to endure it for the next 24 hourss!!!!!

But I’m typing from the airport (and the internet connection costs $8 haih) and i’m coming home – won’t be able to rest till Sunday as i’ll be busy on Friday and Saturday.

Wrote an article for Star about studying abroad! Please keep it for me if you see it

the usual complaints at the dawn of finals

Today promises to be another sleepless haul – slaving away (in the laundry room for now) for the 5pm due date tomorrow. Since I have class at 4, this means the paper must be in earlier. I aim for it to reach his inbox by the morning, however. Classes begin at 11.30am and I can’t afford to, nor do I want to, skip any of my last days. So there

Then I have my accumulated journal assignments for the 4pm class! Oh woe is my workload. Thursday is the tentative date for my last presentation for Research Writing class, after which there’s only a simple essay to complete and the assignments for that class will be done (I hope we get our research papers back tomorrow. Crosses fingers for the A though I doubt I’ll get it). Next week out of 4 subjects only two of them have final tests, whereas for the other two all we have to do is show up… or not if you really don’t want to

I finally understand what people really mean when they pant out the words ‘finals week.’ Intense is not even a word that could begin to describe the amount of stress and tension you continuously go through in the final 2-3 weeks in college. My body clock is utterly screwed again so much that I might not even be jetlagged when I get back home :O but I’m probably better off than others since I neither use caffeine nor pills to keep myself awake!

But I should throw myself back into the fray. Till the next time!

I want to have his babies

please <3 <3!

heartwarming

<3

afterword

To tell you the truth it feels like it never happened. but sometimes it feels like it was an incident that happened too long ago that I cannot remember. If you ask for memories I can’t seem to conjure any up. I’m not living on the sweet times we had, nor do I remember the times we cried. I think the best way to word it is that I am placed in the now, and only caring for the few precious now moments left, before summer comes and I lose him to distance and curiosities. new flesh, new sights, new ideas. This was essentially why both of us broke up, and this is what I know he’ll do.

If there’s one thing I learnt, it would be that I am too attached to emotions. I am largely living in ignorance of how I really feel now, but when chance encounter of words or sights reminds me of what seems to be a gaping hole in my heart, I’d wrap my hands around my body and hold myself as waves of loneliness engulfs me. my eyes involuntarily water, i struggle to portray normalcy as heaviness pulls me down, sadness. Sadness! I withdraw from the world into my own poisonous thoughts – speculating, wondering, over-analysing. Honestly, it is the most tiresome process. and many times i’ve woken up without the will to go to class and go through the daily motions because this weakness of mine saps me of strength.

I wish I could say that I’m learning, becoming stronger, wiser, better. But I’m not. I’m here and I finally realised that I don’t know how to learn – is that what I’m lacking? I want to look at things and see beauty, or see something more than what my eyes informs me. The tree is a tree. The old shop an old shop. Am I assuming too much? I’m obsessed with beauty in the way that I don’t want to see beautiful things, but I want to see beauty in everything. I want to see the beauty that no one else sees. is this still my own wishful thinking? it’s probably just that selfishness, that feeling of wanting to feel special. The key words are ‘that no one else sees.’ In the end it’s just about wanting to be different, to be special, to be seen as beautiful by others with the unorthodoxy of what I do. this is my wishful thinking. 

 

p.s.: though this is not a satisfactory piece of writing at all, the author is thankful that at least after writing it, she forgot about being sad for today.

omg

give me a different musical everyday and i’ll be a happy girl for life oO