We arrived into a blast of darkness, our eyes frantic in the search of a glimmer, hysterics bordering the senses – the scene is too much of a Hollywood horror, I reluctantly stepped out of the light and plunged myself into the empty space forward. But for the handphone flashlight, our sight was blinded.
Darkness encroached us as we meandered through the carpark in desperate search. Memory failed as there were no signboards to sight, no familiarity in this empty absence of light. Every step produced an echo, and every familiar sound is benign as well as malignant. Paranoia slowed our steps whilst fear drove us forward, I frequently, involuntarily, glanced backwards to see if we’re being followed, and whilst eager to probe through the darkness ahead, I shrank from it for fear of seeing any darkness other than the absence of light.
Of course we reached the car safely, as I am sitting here typing as of now. But during those intense moments of walking through a deserted, lightless carpark, even when I was forcing my mind to not trick myself with wild imaginations, to close my ears to any non-existant sound (as we all know how these situations manipulate us), to think of God and realise how empty it is to rely on Him only now, as i closed my eyes to images of unscrupulous men coming to us and tearing us apart for wealth and body, as I feared for four of our lives – physically and mentally…
I realised I was afraid, but just before the fear touched my heart there existed a barrier that allowed the fear to remain just there – it did not engulf me, did not paralyse me, my legs did not shake as much as it should have, i was not stuttering or shivering. That barrier was erected by the arm i was so desperately clutching onto.
Then I realised that whenever I’m afraid, my mind just searches for images of him and any of the things we do together, even if it’s just lying on bed sleeping, and i stop becoming afraid. I guess fear is a state of mind we humans manipulate ourselves into, especially when it comes to fear of supernatural beings, fear of darkness.
So although I am scared shitless at the thought of having to go back to the pitch-dark carpark again, I am happy I had to walk through it for whatever experiences and lessons i can learn from it.
BUT DON’T PUT ME BACK THERE AGAIN. *clings to light*
