And

in exactly 2 weeks I will be boarding that plane – i will not mention that same staircase that people wave teary goodbyes to. I’ve been riding it twice a week – to that place, in that land, that actually snows! Is anyone afraid for the cold-resistance-less xiao? Have i bought enough to sufficiently bundle up?  Actually, I only bought one pair of long johns. I must remind myself that my shopping is not complete. But everytime we step into another shopping mall, I get headaches and although I have a big long list of things I have yet to buy, I always end up with nothing in my hands when I go out. Is this yet another symptom of not wanting to completely leave home?

 Perhaps I’m expecting to feel something, which is why i’m so perceptive to what i’m actually feeling: nothing. The sudden wave of aching nostalgia for all things hot and spicy has not arrived, nor the part about friends, or the part about family? But the certain excitement that’s supposed to accompany this trip has dissipated since the news, and now i can only surmise that whatever’s left in me is numbness. I suppose this is how I deal with it. 

my room’s a mess. Most of my bed is covered with clothes I’ve bought, and all of them are unwashed – waiting for me to free up one morning in the next 2 weeks to go learn the mechanics of a washing machine (hah!) and the art of hand-washing. I can’t use the dryer for most of my clothes, so i’m thinking ‘where can i hang my clothes then?’ I finally found the plastic plant I’ve been looking for for ages, but I didn’t buy it because I wonder if my luggage has space. I would love to spend time with my family but we get on each other’s nerves. I want to be with my mom, but apparently when we spend time, it’s in the living room watching tv, or it’s those certain silent meals we have together. I wonder if she’s cooking porridge tomorrow. I would love a bowl of porridge.